I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Michael Bay diarrhea
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
