i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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