id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
