he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
