for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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