hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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