I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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