i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
