you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
