PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Randomize
