Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
