I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
