apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
