wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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