you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
