If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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