Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
