Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
