Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
