She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
