If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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