cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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