I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Holy sore nipples Batman
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
