I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
