remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
