Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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