i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
