You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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