Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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