Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
