I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
