Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He shit in the fireplace
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
