It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
