I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
