how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
