I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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