I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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