It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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