Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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