Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
