I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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