I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
