when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
