I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
