i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
