Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
