im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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