Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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