Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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