Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
